Affection

I don’t know if I should get this personal in this blog but I’m hoping that typing my thoughts down will help me to relax and be more positive about Leila. Sometimes I worry that Leila will stop being affectionate. She’s already selective with hugs and kisses and it seems lately that she is even more so with me. I made her angry last night because I kept giving her kisses in her bed. She fussed and then turned her back to me. Sometimes it’s really hard to accept this about Leila. That she will always be careful about affection.

She’s been this way since she was a baby. She was awake all the time and preferred to be in her swing than in my arms to be rocked to sleep. I should say that within the past year Leila has become increasingly affectionate. For awhile she’d let me rock her to sleep before we gave up naptime. She will sometimes just come up and give me a hug or a kiss, she does let me soothe her, and she does prefer me over others. I take advantage of these times when she is spontaneously affectionate. Natalie, our ABA supervisor said they have exercises they can do to help Leila be more comfortable with affection. They take brushes and run them all over the child’s arms, legs, and face and they relax. I hope that Leila will one day be able to freely cuddle with me and I hope to hear her say that she loves me. It’s hard to not think that I created this. Was I not affectionate enough with her? Did I pay too much attention to Lucy? Should I have held her instead of putting her in the swing? I run through the same questions every day.  I try to remain positive about Leila. But sometimes my thoughts just bog me down. I should be happy that my child is happy and healthy. She is not dying, she is not sick. I guess I am just still mourning the loss of that “normal” child. It’s still incredibly hard to accept right now. Since Leila was born I’ve always said in 3 months it’s going to get better… I’m still saying it.